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March Madness!
The freak show that is Michael Jackson unveiled yet another act last week, with the gloved singer showing up an hour late for his court appearance dressed in a suit jacket and pajama bottoms. Jackson, on trial for allegedly molesting a 12-year-old cancer victim, was escorted by a group of men that included his father, Joe Jackson, who was beaming from ear to ear and telling anyone who'd listen, "That's my boy!" Meanwhile, Judge Rodney S. Melville said about the deranged singer, "HIStory better be good..." Jane Fonda's New Hip Made In Hanoi
Actress Jane Fonda underwent successful hip replacement surgery last week, and the prosthetic device was reportedly manufactured in Hanoi. "This is free trade at its absolute best," beamed the 67-year-old former Vietnam war protester. "You might say I've come full circle now." Which perhaps explains why she seems so loopy... Dan Rather Inks Deal To Become New Castro Bodyguard
Dan Rather didn't stay retired very long. Within 24 hours of signing off for the final time as anchorman for CBS News, the 72-year-old Rather agreed to a five-year deal to become the new bodyguard for Cuban president Fidel Castro, replacing Jimmy Carter, who served in that capacity for the preceding five years. In a statement, Rather said, "I've long felt close to President Castro, and now that I'm no longer with CBS I feel it is time to get even closer to him." Castro's spokesman, Elian Gonzalez, said that the Cuban leader is happy to have Rather on board his team, and predicted if anyone tried to assassinate him now that Rather is his bodyguard, they'd be about as effective as a frog with no hind legs... Dr. Smith From "Lost in Space" Wanted In Connection With Chicago Murders
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