See Span Run

AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY OFFENDER
April 9 - April 16, 2004 

• BRAND NEW!!!  The Most Irrelevant Figure(s) for April

• See Span Lie Down -- Cartoons

• The Most Irrelevant Figure(s) for 2003!!!

• LAST WEEK: 
  "Shaggy Neighbor Complains About Computer-Animated Dog Poop In His Yard"
  
  

• Check it Out -- The Eddie and the Cruisers of Comedy!

• The 100 Most Irrelevant Figures of the 20th Century

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September 11, 2001

 What the Critics Are Saying About See Span Run:


"... a cutthroat look at current issues... The writing is clever and worth checking out."
               --NBCi 


"Political Site of the Day!"
               --Aboutpolitics.com


"A total piece of shit!"
       --Sharon H. Devinney,
          Cyberspace Surfer

Fat Journalist Wins Peabody  Award For Article Revealing "Inactivity Causes Obesity"

Pat Assateague, the 275 pound journalist whose New York Times article "Inactivity Causes Obesity" sparked a global public health debate, has won the prestigious Peabody Award for Scientific Journalism, it was announced today.  Assateague, who stands 5 foot 9 inches tall, thanked the Peabody voting committee in a ceremony last evening, and talked about how he spent a great many hours sitting and writing the award-winning article:  "From six in the morning until six at night I sat at my computer, contemplating, reflecting on why obesity is such a growing health problem in the country," said Assateague.  "After awhile, I could begin to feel the circulation behind my knees start to tingle, and as I opened up another box of Hostess Ho-Ho's, I realized that from an anthropological standpoint, the current obesity epidemic is unlike anything we've ever witnessed in public health." Assateague recounted the excitement he felt when, after finally completing his article, he quickly submitted it to his editor with the Times and ran down to the Sub shop down the street, where he devoured a foot-long Italian sausage deluxe sub, spilling the toppings all over the restaurant floor and smearing marinara sauce around the corners of his mouth... Assateague then thanked the crowd again, let out a painful-sounding belch, and waddled back to his seat...

Kerry Says Unrest in Iraq Proves the Need for UN Intervention 

• See Campaign 2004

Hollywood Negotiating With Gibson Over "Passion" Sequel

Hollywood movie executives have approached Mel Gibson about the possibility of producing a sequel to the blockbuster smash The Passion of the Christ, according to industry insiders.  Apparently, several studio execs are chomping at the bit for a Christ sequel, given the fact that the movie has grossed over $400 million world-wide.  One exec, who wished to remain anonymous, said, "Most of us out here think the movie is anti-Semitic and a total distortion of history, but hell, $400 million is $400 million."  Another exec, who also wished to remain anonymous, added, "Christ, if we can make a f-ing  Scooby Doo sequel, we can surely come up with some kind of Jesus sequel as well..."  Gibson, after being approached by these execs, reportedly went home immediately and took a long shower...