Bush Sees Martians As
Imminent Threat
President George W. Bush maintains that Martians possess
"ray guns" and a proliferation of other "laser
weapons" which, if put in the hands of Earthlings, may pose an
imminent threat to the United States, thereby justifying his newly
unveiled plan to invade the red planet. Meanwhile, the
United Planets Security Council quickly criticized the plan.
"First, it's Iraq. Now, it's Mars. What is next,
the entire universe?" said Uranus President Pat Butts.
"There are no "Martians" on Mars, just as there are
no "terrorists" in Iraq. Why can't we just be left
alone to rotate around the sun at our own pace, without the
Americans getting involved?" An informal poll of the nine
planets indicates that by a 7-to-2 margin the solar system
community is against an invasion of Mars. The lone supporter
of an invasion, other than Earth, is Pluto, whose populace has been
frustrated by years of inferior cable TV reception...
Dead Heat, Ideas in Iowa
New Bus Driver Puzzles Parents, Kids
Residents in the Greenview Estates subdivision of
Greenview, Illinois are somewhat puzzled by the new bus driver
assigned to their children's route, according to a story in the Greenview
Flier. "It's too bad Mr. Hershfield quit," said Janice
Bosworth, whose son Billy takes the bus to school.
"The new guy is pretty nice -- but he's a little... well, different."
Added Joanne Simmons, whose two sons, Taylor and Thomas
also ride the bus: "He's so shy, that new guy. Mr.
Hershfield was always joking and smiling - the kids really loved
him." Doris LeClure, whose son David rides
the bus, was more concerned. "That new guy's
creepy," she said. "That soft, high voice... that
vibrato singing... I sure wish Mr. Hershfield hadn't
quit." Son David LeClure was more to the point. "I
ain't ridin' that bus no more!" he said. "That dude
is weird!!!" A spokeswoman for the Greenview School
Board, Anita Eraser, issued the following comment in response
to the article: "The Greenview Department of Education
only hires the best, most qualified individuals to drive our school
buses. It's understandable parents and children grow
comfortable with their bus drivers, particularly someone like George
Hershfield who's been doing it for so many years. But we're
confident they'll get used to the new guy, even if he does wear an
oxygen mask half the time."
Chicago Bears Hire Lovey As Head
Coach
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