Veterinarian Says Saddam in
"Excellent Health"
A prominent Iraqi veterinarian gave Saddam Hussein a clean
bill of health after conducting a thorough examination of the ousted
Iraqi dictator immediately following his dramatic capture over the
weekend. "No sign of worms, no urinary tract
infections," said Dr. Al Byno in his official statement
to the press. "My only recommendation is that he get
caught up on his rabies shots... It appears like it's been awhile
since he had them." Dr. Byno then scratched Hussein's
beard and patted him on the head. "He's a wily old critter, isn't he?" Meanwhile, during the latest
Democratic presidential debate here in the U.S., front-runner Howard
Dean suggested that the captured man may not have been Saddam
but one of his notorious body doubles instead...
Dean Emerging As Formidable
Hypnotist
Dean
is not only surprising political observers with his status as
front-runner in the 2004 campaign; he is also raising eyebrows with
his impressive array of hypnotic tricks -- and may even decide to tour
with Doug Henning if he falls short in his bid to win the White
House. Last week in Des Moines, for example, Dean
managed to hypnotize former Vice President Al Gore for over
17 minutes during a stump speech. "He will do exactly
what I say," Dean said to the audience in a lilting, mystic
voice. "He will bring me water on a tray when I am
thirsty and he will run other errands for me as
assigned." Dean then turned to the catatonic Gore and
said, "Do you understand?" to which Gore replied, "I
understand." After ordering a complicit Gore to do
numerous lowly tasks for him on stage for several minutes, Dean then
abruptly snapped his fingers and Gore finally relaxed his posture
and began to blink again. Later, the former presidential
candidate, who narrowly lost to George W. Bush in 2000, told
reporters he had no recollection of anything that happened during the time Dean
had him hypnotized...
Bush Changes Mind, Says
France, Germany, Russia Deserve "Special Consideration"
for Iraqi Contracts
The blistering criticism from across the Atlantic
apparently has had a major impact on President Bush, who now
says Iraq adversaries France, Germany and Russia not 
only
should be allowed to bid on U.S. contracts to
reconstruct Iraq, but should also be given special consideration over
other coalition members because, well, because... because we are all
one world... one people... one universe. Hell, all right: I
can't think of one good reason why those countries deserve
American business when we got guys dying over there
Mick's Dad Still Getting
"Satisfaction" Hanging Out With Famous Son
Mick Jagger's 92-year-old father still likes to
hang out with the legendary Rolling Stones singer, according
to sources close to the band. The elder Jagger
apparently began hanging out with Mick back during the Let It
Bleed tour in 1970 and, according to reports, immediately began
to enjoy the vast selection of beautiful women that followed the
band from city to city. At the end of the tour, Jagger's dad
asked him, "Hey son, when's the next tour?" When
Mick advised his father to stay home and "sit the next one
out," Dad grew crotchety and even volunteered to work with the
band's roadies. "Hell, I'll carry your damn guitar case
if it'll help me get laid," said the older Jagger. Mick
apparently shrugged and said, "You're in." The rest,
as they say, is history...
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