Tech News: Anti-Spam
Software Uses Penis Reduction Messages To Counter Unwanted
E-Mail
Microsoft has developed bold new software
designed to counter the avalanche of penis enlargement e-mails that
flood personal computers each day, hampering productivity. "*L*I*T*T*L*E*D*I*C*K*"
is a program that searches for keywords or combinations of
keywords in e-mails promoting penis enhancement products. When
the program detects an incoming spam message promoting penis
enlargement, it automatically returns a response to the sender,
promoting a fictional penis reduction product. Shady
operatives who send out the penis enlargement emails are up in arms
about the spam they receive on penis reduction. "This is
greatly hampering our entrepreneuring capabilities," said Ira
Serpent, owner of Get Bigger In A Hurry!, one of
thousands of penis enlargement products. "I think it's
disgusting that anyone would be proud of such a thing..." Oddly enough, Senate Minority Leader Tom
Daschle issued a statement denying his office had anything to do
with the new counter-spam campaign...
Yes, We Still Do Really
Want To Hurt Him
The new Boy George musical Taboo has
opened on Broadway, and the reviews are pretty much unanimous:
"Yes, we still do really want to hurt him," wrote Newark
Star-Ledger theater critic Rusty Bedsprings, alluding to
the pop transvestite's hit song from the 1980's. "I know gay bashing is uncool and certainly
politically incorrect these days," wrote Dominic DiNucci,
theater critic for the Philadelphia Inquirer, "but
frankly, I'd like to kick the shit out of that guy." The Washington
Times' headline was even more to the point: "What
A Fag!" the paper announced. Still, Taboo does have its
supporters. "Very lovely music," wrote Rex Reed.
"And so sassy!"
Sharpton Accuses Dean Of Trying
To Fix His Tie
Democratic presidential frontrunner Howard Dean
is "pushing his luck," according to fellow candidate Rev.
Al Sharpton. According to Sharpton, Dean's attempts to
groom Sharpton before, during, and after presidential debates are wearing
on his nerves. The tension reached a boiling point recently
when Dean
straightened Sharpton's tie before a debate. Sharpton
also alleges that during another debate, Sharpton was in the midst
of responding to a question from the moderator when Dean left his
podium, walked over to Sharpton's podium, pulled out a brush, and
began brushing Sharpton's hair. "There," said Dean,
straightening the lapel on Sharpton's blazer. "You look so
handsome!" Sharpton then snapped, "Get 'cho
hands off of me, white boy!"
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