God Adds 11th Commandment: "Thou
Shall Not Live in Alabama"
Universe Productions Creative Director God today weighed
in on the controversy surrounding the Alabama judge who has
steadfastly refused to
remove a Ten Commandments statue from the front of a government
building. God, who won
the very first Pulitzer Prize for writing the original Commandments,
was quoted in The Daily Heaven, an exclusive periodical, as
saying, "I've been toying with the idea for several millenniums
of adding an 11th Commandment, and now I think the time is
right." God then allegedly burst into a booming, James
Earl Jones-like voice and said, "Thou Shalt Not Live in
Alabama!" before reportedly ascending back up into the
heavens... The critics, meanwhile, have already begun taking God to
task for this latest proclamation. Ike Kinread,
president of the Writers Club of America, said, "God
should've left the Commandments alone. Can you imagine if he
issued a Commandment for every unlivable place in the
world? The whole Middle East would be evacuated..." Added Sonny Pro Bono,
head of the American Bar Association: "God has no
legal jurisdiction to alter the commandments." Said Seymour
Testubes, president of the National Academy of Good Science:
"There is no scientific basis for the hypothesis that God would
actually do an interview with an unaccredited scientific periodical
in the first place. There is also no basis to conclude that God even
wrote the Commandments to begin with." Said Pat Butts,
head of the Gay and Lesbian Coalition For Marriage Between Gay
and Lesbians (GLCMBGL): "The fact that God didn't
condemn gay marriages in his latest Commandment is proof that our
society has a religious obligation to make these unions
legal." And finally, this from Jethro Williams, Alabama resident and
huge Lynyrd Skynyrd fan: "Sounds like God's a
Yankee..."
Bush Boards Naval Tugboat,
Declares End To "Medium-Sized" Combat Operations in
Iraq
President Bush, in a scene reminiscent of his
dramatic landing on an aircraft carrier last May, dropped into a
Naval tugboat via helicopter yesterday and declared an end to
"medium-sized" combat operations in Iraq. "The
battle to keep peace in Iraq will continue, but it will likely
consist of semi-medium-sized to small-sized combat operations rather
than the medium-sized combat operations we've seen since the end of
major combat operations." Then, clearly exasperated, Bush
turned to reporters on hand and said, "There -- was that
specific enough for you?"
New Watergate Tapes Show Nixon
Stole From Black Music
Newly uncovered Watergate tapes clearly portray former
President Richard M. Nixon as "hell-bent" on
"finishing what Elvis started" by stealing all black music
and giving it to the white man. On the tapes, Nixon, an
accomplished classical piano player, begins churning out a
melancholy boogie-woogie on the keys and croons a few lines from Dust
My Broom, the old Robert Johnson standard. Then,
after a briefing with his cabinet, Nixon seals himself off in the
oval office and begins singng the chorus from Backdoor Man.
Finally, Nixon abruptly interrupts a meeting with his national
security advisory team and begins playing acoustic slide guitar,
while whaling out the lyrics to and old Muddy Waters tune.
Contemporary music artists are outraged by the tapes. Rap star
Eminem reportedly was so angry he snarled, "I be sick of
ol' Dick bein' up to his tricks, gettin' a kick out of bein' so
slick while he sicks his sick sidekicks on stage to make off with
the broth-uhs' guitar picks..." And so it goes...
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