See Span Run

AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY OFFENDER
July 11 - July 18, 2003 

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September 11, 2001

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Decadent Man Proclaims: "Once You Go Bull, You Never Go Back" 

A decadent man from Madrid, Jose Del Toro, was so enamored with one of the bulls chasing him during the recent "Running of the Bulls" in Spain that he stripped naked and donned a pair of bull horns to profess his love for the raging beast.  "Up until this time, I have led a very safe, normal life," said Del Toro.  "No more.  I am out of the closet.  From now on, instead of hanging out at silly singles bars I will be frequenting every cattle ranch this side of Wyoming... After all, once you go 'bull' you never go back..." Del Toro was then promptly handcuffed by authorities and taken into custody...

Former President Ford To Head Up Boston Pops Orchestra 

Former President Gerald Ford is coming out of retirement to lead the famed Boston Pops Orchestra in a series of concerts this Fall, a Ford spokesperson announced Thursday.  Ford, who played the triangle once at a birthday party for his Uncle Steve, is said to be excited about the opportunity.  "President Ford is a big fan of the orchestra, and looks forward to conducting many of their performances over the next several months," said Ford spokesperson Ida Tripp, who added that Fall was Ford's favorite season.  When asked to comment on Ford's hiring, cellist I.M. Mournful sniffed, "Lovely.  Let's be sure to keep him away from the tuba..."

Bush Hits Up African Republicans For Cash

President George W. Bush wrapped up his historic trip to Africa this week by appearing at an African Republican National Committee fundraiser that was said to raise over 179 million cowrie shells, which equates to about $768,000 in U.S. dollars.  In a speech to this mostly friendly audience, Bush quipped, "You guys look a lot like many of my Republican friends back in America -- fat, can't dance, and tromp on everything in your path..."