Connecticut Man Claims To Have Uncovered Remains
of Abominable Snowman
Connecticut resident Yukon Cornelius announced yesterday that he
has uncovered the remains of the legendary abominable snowman in his front
yard. "I went outside yesterday to shovel the driveway, not so
much because it needed it but because I needed a little exercise after
pigging out over the holidays," said Cornelius. "I was
about ten minutes into the job when I noticed something out of the corner
of my eye. I turned and there were these great, giant snowy arms
groping at the oak in our front yard. 'Damn!' I said!"
Curators from the Smithsonian Institution in Washington, D.C. are
scheduled to visit Cornelius' house next week to determine if the remains
do indeed belong to the Abominable...
Electrician Allegedly Ate
"Too Much Of The Wrong Thing" Over Holidays
Electrician Dale Duncan started his new year off on a turbulent
note by promptly passing gas that sickened customer Steve Holmes
during a routine inspection of Holmes' wiring system in his company's
warehouse. Duncan, who gained seven pounds over the holidays after
consuming "anything and everything" in his path -- including ten
consecutive nights of heavy drinking -- reportedly let the wind slip after
watching Holmes wander off into another corner of the warehouse.
However, the scent lingered for several moments, and when Holmes
returned seconds later, he immediately retrieved a handkerchief from his
pocket and covered his face. "I thought it was al Qaeda,"
said Holmes in a statement released to authorities later. It is not
clear whether Duncan will be charged in the incident, as the veteran
electrician blamed the release on shaving eaten "too much of
the wrong thing" over the holidays...
Rosie O'Donnell Arrested For Jaywalking,
Vandalizing Crosswalk
Story at 11...
