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See Span Run
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AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY OFFENDER
November 21 - November 28, 2002

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September 11, 2001

 

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Baby-Dropping Cult Recruits New Member 

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People Magazine Names Affleck Sexiest Man Alive 

People Magazine have named Jennifer Lopez' latest squeeze, Ben Affleck, its prestigious "Sexiest Man Alive" award for 2002.  Affleck, who shot to fame after co-writing and co-starring in the Academy Award-winning film Good Will Hunting, was said to be "humbled" by the award and promised not to boast or "quack too loudly."  Lopez, who recently became engaged to Affleck, (making it four in five years), said the award was well-deserved.  "Ben has worked very hard to perfect his look.  The protruding forehead, snow-white skin and long yellow beak have never been anything less than a turn-on for me, and it's gratifying that People Magazine is having multiple orgasms over him as well."  

Bachelor Winner Offers Hope To Millions

TV's most eligible bachelor Aaron Buerge's selection of Helene Eksterowicz to be his new bride sends out hope to millions of desperate women hoping to marry some rich, chiseled hunk, researchers say.  "A lot of women identify with Helene," said Sociologist June Swoon of the Harvard Medical Center.  "They see her gaining fifteen minutes of fame in a hit prime-time television show, then outlasting several other conniving, pathetic women to win the heart of an absolute stud with a ton of money, and they think, 'Hey, if she can do it, why can't I?"  Meanwhile, Buerge and Eksterowicz were so motivated to consummate their relationship that they immediately embarked on a seven day cruise off the coast of Spain (see photo below...)

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