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Span Run
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September 27 - October 4, 2001
September 11, 2001
AlsoThis Week:
LAST YEAR ON THIS DATE... "God Tells Lieberman: 'Sorry Joe, I'm Not Voting For You"
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Cyberspace Surfer
Singer Al Jarreau Arrested on Mistaken Identity Charge
Jazz singer Al Jarreau was expected to be released today from FBI custody after officials determined he was not a potential security threat -- despite having the first name "Al." Federal investigators are currently focusing much of their attention on men who go by the name "Al," because it fits the profile of many middle-eastern terrorists...
Jane Fonda To Air Drop New Workout Video To Afghans
The recent terrorist attacks have brought actress and notorious political activist Jane Fonda out of the mothballs... The starlet of such films as Klute and On Golden Pond is planning to air drop VHS copies of her new workout video to Afghanistan refugees trying to flee the country in preparation of a U.S. attack. In typical fashion, Fonda has spoken out against the idea of a retaliatory strike by the U.S., suggesting a more compassionate approach to dealing with terrorism. Fonda also denied reports that her breast implants contain a chemical or biological hazard and that she was a clear and present threat to U.S. security...
Bush Signs $1K Relief Package For Displaced ACLU Workers
President George W. Bush has signed into law a package of close to $1 thousand to provide relief to employees at the American Civil Liberties Union, who now find their job of defending everyone from the Klan to child molesters to be not quite as noble as preventing the country from getting waxed again by crazed, maniacal terrorists... In a prepared statement, ACLU President Nadine Strossen praised President Bush's action and said: "Initially, after terrorists brutally murdered 7,000 civilian Americans on Sept. 11, we were thinking that this was going to be the beginning of a prosperous chapter in ACLU history... We envisioned spending countless hours in a court of law, in full support of diabolical middle-eastern men with fake passports, recently obtained pilots licenses, thorough knowledge of transport and handling of hazardous waste, and an outspoken contempt for citizens of the U.S. However, once our potential clients made it clear to us that they intended to blow up the ACLU as well, it became apparent that this was fuckin' war, baby!"