AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY
OFFENDER
September 7 - 14, 2001
This Week:
LAST YEAR ON THIS DATE... "Richard Hatch's Survivor Prize: A Date With Richard Simmons"
What the Critics Are Saying About See
Span Run:
"... a cutthroat look at current issues... The writing is clever and worth checking
out."
--NBCi
"Political Site of the Day!"
--Aboutpolitics.com
"A total piece of shit!"
--Sharon H. Devinney,
Cyberspace Surfer
Bush Reportedly Drinking Again
Men Scale Statue To Remove Pimple
Excavators worked deep into the night Thursday to remove a giant pimple on
the forehead of a statue somewhere in India, the New Delhi Times is reporting.
"At approximately 11:00 p.m., Cobra Excavation Inc. was contacted by
an anonymous citizen about removing a pimple that is more than a foot-and-a-half in
diameter," said Yajee Aha!, the company's president of sales.
"Since that time, we have been working diligently but carefully to
remove the pimple, and the statue has been most cooperative." Aha! said that
the process is taking longer than normal because the pimple is swollen, and workers are
afraid it might burst. However, Aha! refused to call the pimple a "zit" at
this point, saying that a whitehead had yet to be formed on the blemish.
Seattle Suicide Prevention Center Criticized For Urging Distraught Pig To Jump From Bridge
A suicide prevention center in Seattle was
under fire today after allegations surfaced that one of its counselors urged a distraught
pig to jump from a bridge. The counselor, I.M. Callous, who has
only been with the organization for a week, allegedly became annoyed when the pig
repeatedly grunted and snorted into the telephone receiver, despite Callous's attempts to
converse with the animal. Finally, Callous allegedly snapped, "Oh the
hell with it! You're going to wind up on my breakfast plate, sitting next to my eggs
anyhow. Go ahead and jump and get it over with!" A spokeswoman for the
suicide prevention center, Anita Break, refused to comment on the
allegations, other than to say, "We are looking into it," she said.
"We certainly hope that Mr. Callous did nothing to encourage the porker, er, the pig
to leap from that bridge..."
First-Grader Has Own Education Reform Proposal
Six-year-old Jeffrey Smits of Columbia, Mo. announced today
that he has established a task force to develop his own education reform plan to counter
those of President Bush and the Democrats. At an
impromptu press conference on the Whispering Wind Elementary School playground
during recess, Smits announced, "School is boring. I want to learn about
something fun." A new poll shows that approximately 50 percent of Americans
agree with Smits' assessment.